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2 entries this month
20:08 Sep 20 2019
Times Read: 571
Take this as bragging if you must... maintaining a 4.0 In any school was never that difficult for me... it was my job to do so and my focus my entire life, and all i cared about... honor roll all the time, blah blah. yeah...
Till high school, specifically the end of it... because a few factors were introduced that started to refocus what mattered to me in life, in a shitty sledge-hammer-y sort of way.
Factor 1... my home life coming apart at the seams. Stress at home from fights and being lied to straight to my face.
Factor 2 pro and con. FEMALES. Didn't much care to chase them... so instead I stumbled into one. One that paid attention to me for skewed reasons, and whose attention and then care... enamored me to her during an increasingly hard time at home. My first taste of love and... honeslty... i suppose my first taste of codependency. Before I just wanted to graduate and do something, anything in college and just help my family. But my successes, academically started to pale in comparison to being made feel like i actually existed and mattered to someone. Since my good grades and honor roll status wasn't enough to keep my family semi normal... I quickly pushed its importance aside to just ... just being happy with who I was with.
I didn't care what i did as long as I got to be with her. WOrk ANYWHERE. Do any job just to have a life with her. My emotions just... exploded and any deep sadness that came weakened me in such a severe way, and being young and not realizing, I decided that if I was alone, and had no one at all to share my potential successes with... then what the fuck was the point?
Yeap. If my relationship was good... my urgency and need to advance was high. If it deteriorated, I could have died on the spot and been content. Because being alone, having no one to share your day with, life with... sucked.
Years passed with two similar partners, and in almost too late a time, I realized how wrong I was.
Being with the wrong person is worse, and as I take steps to progress now... and see that being alone is my driving force. Because if I cant take care of myself, i damn sure can't take care of anyone else let alone love them how I deserve to be.
So yea... reflection is an interesting bitch, looking at my 4.0 now... and weighing things that actually matter... Doing what I love is just an amazing plus.
Fuck every single one of you toxic people. I'll keep to myself till someone sees what I'm worth rather than me needing to prove myself because of my skin tone and name.
Ouch09:49 Sep 11 2019
Times Read: 597
Strangers don't get to hurt your feelings with words nearly as easily as someone you've invested any significant time in. A kiss, a hug, an embrace, a few encouraging words. Asking them if they are okay... Any time at all, spent makes you more susceptible to scathing words. Hmm. It's a weakness handed out, to those you figured worthy of it. In hopes, they never do.
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COMMENTS
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immortalxkiss
21:04 Sep 20 2019
You are worth so very much, sir. And, it's good that you're focusing on yourself, creating a better life for yourself. Because, as you said, if we can't take care of ourselves, how could we ever love and care for someone else? I'm rooting for you. :]
CaperucitaRoja
21:45 Sep 24 2019
Keep your head held high! You sound like an incredibly strong person and I hope you have healed and will eventually find someone worthy of you.